The power of disconnection

A friend of mine posted a link to this New Yorker article about Tyler Clementi and his roommate, Dharun Ravi (by Ian Parker). I see it largely as a story about the power of DISconnection. Whether Ravi is guilty of harassment is something for the courts to decide. (He's clearly guilty of invasion of privacy.) However, I wonder how differently this situation might have played out had Ravi extended kindness to his shy roommate.

In the article, Ravi comes off as brash and narcissistic, a show-off craving attention and scorning those he deemed beneath him. Like many teen guys, he seems a bit threatened by his roommate's homosexuality. According to the New Yorker, his interactions with others seemed to revolve around attempts to impress or mock. I am reminded of these lines from the movie, Crash (2004):

It's the sense of touch. In any real city, you walk, you know? You brush past people, people bump into you. In L.A., nobody touches you. We're always behind this metal and glass. I think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something.

For all his bravado, I wonder if Ravi was feeling disconnected.

Clementi obviously was. He seemed to have few, if any close friends. In an IM conversation, he confessed his difficulties interacting with others, "“I NEED conversation . . it’s just that i can’t DO it.” Lacking the confidence and social skills to develop meaningful connections, it seems that Clementi instead reached out online and found an older man with whom to “hook up.” It was Clementi’s encounters with this individual that Ravi viewed via his web cam and then invited others to view.

Did this exposure cause Clementi to commit suicide? It’s so hard to know another person’s motivations. It’s unlikely that his suicide was prompted by one thing. However, I’m sure that this embarrassment was another source of pain in a life that may have seemed overwhelming. Clementi left notes—presumed to be suicide notes—but these writings have not been released by the police, even to the family.

According to US Suicide Statistics, “Suicide is the third leading cause of death for young people ages 15-24” (http://www.suicide.org/suicide-statistics.html). In addition, although more women attempt suicide, more men complete suicide. Young men are particularly vulnerable to impulsive acts of suicide. Further, those who are GLBT are at an even higher risk for suicide. Despite all of these risk factors, I can’t help but thinking that this story didn’t have to end this way.

What if these college roommates had acknowledged the mismatch of their rooming together, put down their phones and computers, and shared a laugh, a pizza, a tv show, some humanity? Would they have become best friends? It’s doubtful, but there’s a chance that Tyler Clementi might still be alive and that Dharun Ravi wouldn’t be on trial.